Going too Far - Tuesday June 30, 2009

It’s so easy to slip into patterns. Patterns that are detrimental to your “kink.”

One of my biggest slips is mothering. I’ve mentioned before (somewhere!) that I tended to “raise” the men I’ve been involved in before Master. That’s one of the most attractive things about Master; He is grown and needs no raising.

But in some things, He enjoys being mothered. And so I do it a little more....and I get caught up with mothering the kids, and I group Him in there too and mother Him a little more....

Until I go too far. And Master rejects it. And I feel like I’ve been slapped in the face (and not in a good way.) My first reaction is to get pissed off: After all, I was only trying to help. Then I realize what I’ve done, yet again. And I know it’s not my place, and I know I stepped too far, and I know that no matter how much I thought I was helping, I was in fact trying to be in control.

And I promise Master I’ll work on controlling myself, as my stomach churns and my heart aches. I feel so much like a whipped puppy. And yet, I know the rules. I agreed to this type of a relationship – in fact craved and searched for this type of relationship.

Altering behavior, especially a behavior practiced for most of a lifetime, is so damned hard to do! I’m real consistent for long stretches, then I revert right back to what I used to be. There are times it is a physical ache to force myself not to behave as I have in the past. I get distracted by things going on around me, and I totally slip up, forgetting to keep my mouth closed, forgetting to....well hell!! Everything else I could say right there was the same as keeping my mouth closed!

It’s learning not to judge His behavior against others in my past. It’s knowing that making a sharp, sarcastic, mildly-insulting crack is wrong and ugly of me. It’s realizing that although I think I am helping Him remember, I am in fact trying to force Him to act according to a set schedule, and Master does not work like that. (This is something that totally drives me insane! I am a very scheduled person.)

Sighs, so, gotta get back to closing my mouth and keeping it that way. I have to start allowing Him to run His life and His day as He sees fit, not as I see fit.

I promise I will do better at being submissive to His wants and needs. And at keeping my mouth shut, because it actually is none of my business, and I have a contract that proves it!

butterfly